Uncle Dollar’s Horoscope

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Hard times are on the horizon for you and all those who know you. The truth is the pending sexual harassment lawsuit will soon be the least of your worries.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

We love how individualistic and unique you think you are. But we both know that deep down you have a longing to buy too much IKEA furniture and settle down in the suburbs. Well just do it, you’re no better than your parents, sellout.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You may be lonely now but keep your eyes open and your head up and you will make some life long friends, no matter how short that time period will be. We’re sorry.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been listening to a lot of Elliot Smith recently. Well that’s great, he is a very talented artist, but it’s about time you grew up and realized life is hard. So, stop bitching about it and accept the hand you were dealt, whiner.

.Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The good news is that you’ll be eating for free for the next couple of months. Bad news is that it will be only asparagus, and your pee will smell really bad.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You might want to reconsider your Christmas present idea for your landlord. Not everyone is as into hardcore anime pornography as you are. Also reconsider that Christmas card, seriously.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

We just think you are the shit. Sorry, we said that wrong, we think you are shit, and a heaping pile at that.

Cancer (June 21 –July 22)

Do you ever sit there just wondering why you are so unlikable? No! Well we think a little introspection might help you figure out why people stand up when you sit down. Also a shower might help.

Leo (July 23- August 22)

You know that show on A&E, Intervention? Well let’s put it this way, we have something we need to talk to you about. You might want to sit down.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Listen we’re sorry that you had see what you saw but your parents are human being just like the rest of us. Still it does not justify their use of mustard.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

We’ve noticed something rather disturbing in your behavior recently. The extreme profanity has to stop. We’ve never even heard of half the words you use. Could you please write them down for us?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

We understand you don’t have insurance right now and are between jobs. We get it that money is tight. But you really need to go get that rash checked out.

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Posted by GMC Voices on Dec 10, 2009 Filed under Entertainments. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry